Life can be strange when your brain likes to play games and mess with you. In this world, if you want to make a decent living, have a family, and an enjoyable life you need to develop some habits. The kind of thing that makes life workable. Paying bills on time, getting said kids to school, trying to be healthy, show up for work on time. And if you hold the same job for an appreciable amount of time you probably have habits there too that get you through the day, or possibly even make you a success. Habits are a good thing on some level.
But habits, or trying to stick to them, can really mess with your head when your brain is wired like mine. It feels like every day I fight a battle. I have reminders, habits, and routines. Things I know I do in order to be that person I referred to above. The battle comes when I try to change one of those habits. Or when I am unable to do something I have tried to make routine.
My first example is what happened yesterday. I try to post on here pretty much every day. And I try to make those posts interesting, to appeal to readers other than myself. When I cannot do that, when I have no creative juices, I still feel a need to wrote something. And for no good reason, I wrote something that some considered hurtful. This prompted a response, and it took almost all of my mental strength to not get drawn into a battle. Why get into that battle? I know there is no winning this kind of battle (an online argument thread over social media.) But often in the past, I get sucked into these battles because I am frustrated over something else. It is that battle over my inability to complete my routines that drive those feelings of frustration.
My second example came this morning. I do not have to be at work until 8:30. In order to get to work at that time, I do not need to leave the house until 8. Due to the holiday delaying our Friday trash day I had no morning items to complete. Even if I gave myself time for a short walk, I did not have to get up until a certain time. And I could have stayed at home, leisurely reading, until 8. But I have developed a routine of leaving earlier as a remnant of when I would leave to get the kids to school. Which meant that the internal battle was over leaving when I had to versus when I had gotten used to. And I just left when I always do, for no reason, there is no reward or reason for me to show up to work 30 minutes early every day. And today I wanted to stay at home but knew that I would not feel right if I just sat around reading.
That is the battle I have to face every day in my life. Things I feel that I must do. Some of them are things I really do need to do. Others are just habits I have created. If I do not do these things I feel off. When I feel off I react poorly. I wish this was not the case. I wish that changes in my routine did not affect me so strongly. I wish that I did not feel compelled to fill my life with habits. My medicine helps to a large extent. But it is not a 100% relief. So I have to remain vigilant. Watch and measure my reactions to things that happen in my life that have an effect on my habits. Do my best to not lash out or take out my frustrations on myself when my life is disrupted. Most of the time I am successful. Occasionally I am not, and when that happens all I can do is minimize the damage or try to avoid the damage altogether.