Have been feeling off the last couple of weeks. Can’t put my finger on it, any number of causes. And it is not a serious problem, I have been functional for the most part. But the twin feelings of anxiety and depression seem to be piling in.
I think the only real cure will be getting past this extremely hectic time in our schedules. Like this weekend. Jimmy has a play tonight and tomorrow. The little ones are walking in the Veterans Day parade tomorrow. And Sunday we host Kim & Emily’s birthday party. So some where in there I need to get something for Kim, and get the house cleaned up for the party. Then next weekend we have Jimmy wrestling most of the day on Saturday. And then I get a little break with my Denver game.
But I don’t really see much down time for me until Thanksgiving week, and then we have to figure out where we will go and when will we host. But at least for a couple of days that week I will be able to dictate my own schedule, get up when I want, do what I want. I think that a lot of this feeling of unease stems from a need to be on schedule, specifically someone else’s schedule.
I have gradually put together some things lately in my head. Nothing like having a teenager who almost willfully goes out of their way to be disorganized and unaware of scheduling to make you realize how much those things matter to you. And then understand how that stems from your own anxieties.
I have figured out my greatest fear lately. It would be an impromptu hosting of a large event. Because everything that would go into that: preparation, cleaning, organizing, large numbers of people, no place to hide, would all come into play. And as I watch myself and Kim try to teach Jimmy some lessons about cleaning, organizing, being on time, meeting a schedule, I am beginning to realize how much of that stems from my own issues.
Anyway, I think a lot of these feelings of unease will clear up when we get past these events, especially this weekend. And that is because I have unconsciously put pressure on myself. I want these things to go well. Couple that with Jimmy having his problems, something over which I have little real control, and I have been a bit of a wreck. And there is only one real way to fix this: I have to let go. I can only do certain things, only what is in my control. I can delegate certain things. And then figure out what I cannot control, and just let it go. The problem is figuring that out, because my anxious mind thinks I can and should be able to control it all.
Well that is what is in my head these days, not a pretty picture. It is no wonder I cannot get myself to relax. I will figure something out, it is not a hopeless case. And I know that some time soon it will gradually lift, and life will be shinier. I just need to ride this out, and survive.