Just kidding, I have nice things, I have wonderful things. I have a wonderful family, great kids, a terrific wife, and a good life. That is all true. And for the most part I am healthy, by many measurements I am wealthy, and the general consensus is that I am wise.
But what I also have is anxiety and depression issues. I have a big dumb annoying brain that likes to screw with me. And that does two things. First, I have trouble appreciating those great things in my life, instead I get twisted up with anxiety about the little stuff, think that little things mean an end to all the big stuff, for no reason what so ever. Second, when I don’t do something that I want to do (or am convinced I should do) my head feels like the freaking Exorcist worrying about it and/or beating myself up about it.
This week has been an endless cycle of those things. I planned to get up early and go swimming on Monday and today. Both days I did not, was too tired to do so. So my attitude the rest of the day was shitty. And of course the reason I was tired was partially because I went to bed focused on getting up early to swim. You can see the vicious circle forming here.
For budget and health reasons I try to bring my own lunch to work every day. But when there are no decent left overs to take, and I don’t feel like a sandwich, I end up eating out. But then I feel bad about doing so, for no reasonable reason. I can afford to eat out on occasion, and an extra cheeseburger and fries will not kill me at this point. But I still get fixated on not having done what my mind tells me I should have done.
Last night poor Kim was forced to endure the terrible memories of when her dreams were crushed. She is over it, the particular moment, and the events of last night. But I am stuck thinking of how I can comfort her for having to go through that again. See, what should be a good thing, my caring about my wife and her feelings, get wrapped up in my head, twisting me around.
And that is a sample of what has been messing me up this week. I am doing my best to keep my head up. Look to the present and future. Find the good things to focus on. And try to ride through this cycle. But damn, it makes for a pretty tough week.